I had finished writing a self-summary when suddenly I had images enter my head of self-mutilation through the act of headbutting mirrors. That’s extraordinarily extreme, especially considering the preceding activity. I’ve thought of this kind of thing before: “Why do people self-mutilate as a reaction, considering that goes against the basic instinct of self-preservation?” I believe it’s an attempt to resolve an internal physiological reaction that, like many emotions, needs an outlet to release safely. A textbook I had received from college (through use of the tuition) had a passage that read: “Behavior is the mind’s attempt at homeostasis.”
Homeostasis is balance. It’s why chronic (old) pains and injuries one side will gradually effect the other side even though there is no injury, the body’s trying to balance itself. I hadn’t considered behavior as a version of homeostasis. I have to state that while a person’s state of mind has a significant impact on their health, I’m not in a position to claim to have studied methods and techniques for healing the mind—I’m only able to encourage the body to heal, to an extent. There are laws that say as much, too.
Getting to the original topic, self-harm. Most likely it’s caused by emotions that aren’t being resolved or repressed. I’m aware from experience that anything repressed will resurface, usually not timely, and usually more severe depending on its age. Of course, there’s no always and never, so not everyone who represses old, strong feelings will cause self harm. Some might go the rest of their lives repressing and never go through an incident.
How terrible for me that I’m not one of those. I know exactly what I’ve repressed and how I can release it, but I’m unable to because of present circumstances. I believe in my own strength, but I’m also, reluctantly, aware that I’m unable to resolve it on my own. This creates a problem, because I want the glory of fighting my own problems and winning, so I can turn to everyone who ever knew me and say: “See what I can do!? This is something I did on my own! None of you, in your most abstract, can ever divide me from this!”
What’s both tragic and comical is that I’m a background character: I stay in the back of groups, in the shadows, and just watch and rarely interject whenever I have something relevant to input because I get ignored when I try to force my way into the sun. It’ll always burn to try, but the experience of trying will slowly add up until I produce my own sunlight.
I needed to write one of these again: I’ve a frustrating amount of creativity that never gets a chance to live.
